Written by Captain Mary on Tuesday, November 13, 2018

To me the season starts with Halloween, this year a party at a friends house. So much fun to get together with old friends that have nearly disappeared from our minds. So nice when we can recharge the beautiful friendship that has withstood so many years.
Next, was once my favorite. Thanksgiving, not for its historic meaning or for anything except a gathering of my family with food, fun and cheer. Notice I said "was once my favorite". I have such mixed feelings anymore. This year is going to be sissy's turn to host and yet it will be at my brothers house. A large group of people expected, I believe the largest group yet. Not a bad thing at all, the more the merrier, the fun will go on for days.
The small issue I have is getting together with my children and grandchildren, for so many years rotating between myself and their father. Then the last few years it seems like more of a burden than a joyful explosion of love with family and friends.
I almost stepped away from my holiday, because of a guest who was invited whom I can't stand. So many reasons why, not important, I just make it a habit to be around people who enrich my life, not destroy it. Mixed emotions are the fact that my children love this person and they might think that I am not being reasonable, that I should be the one to sacrifice my family holiday for the sake of an outsider, who cannot control their drinking habits and say horrible things not only to me, but to my children and grandchildren. Not understanding how part of my life was spent just trying to survive his abuse. Years have gone by and we were able to put aside our past. Until, a couple of years ago when I found that the person I knew many years ago as an abusive husband had returned, and not only used his horrible words and his wrath on me, but my children and grandchildren. So, as the dilemma continues, I don't want to hurt my children's feelings either.
 I was pondering on this thought with only a couple weeks to go, to Thanksgiving.  I finally decided to call my x and ask him not to attend and give as many reasons as necessary to get him to concede. As I was looking at my phone with this intention a text came through from my daughter who somehow anticipated my needs, as always and made that call for me. I thanked her, but it had to be bittersweet conversation for her and her father. I am so sorry to hurt my child that way, I had agreed to go away while her father was in attendance at my families celebration. That was not acceptable to my daughter, I love her for understanding and I am so sorry to make her hurt her fathers feelings for the sake of mine.
The last holiday of the season is Christmas, and I think that it is time to say good-bye to this one. The kids are grown, the actual meaning is not important to me. I lost my father just before Christmas, it now seems like this holiday just isn't worth a celebration. I sound awful this year. All I want to do is leave the country, sit on a beach with a tropical drink in my hand and the sound of the ocean ringing in my ears. Soothing my soul and easing my worried thoughts. I want everyday of my life to be full of smiles and love.