Written by Captain Mary on Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I have been thinking about relationships these days. With the economy, job loss, and so many other issues in this time of crisis, I wondered. I still see relationships that are alive and well, which leads me to believe that money and small comforts don't have anything to do with it. I watch some of my dear friends and what I see is perfect relationships and I would love to share with you what I have witnessed. This is no fly-by night observation, there are 7 couples, which I have named B, D, L, R, T, V, and couple W.
The first thing to know is the basics, what are the priorities.
First if you have children, that is without a doubt the most important, children under your care, dependent on your guidance to teach them how to be adults. If what they witness isn't good, how would they know that this is not normal.
The second must be yourself, sounds crazy but if you are not happy then why bother with anything else, how can you teach when you don't know how to live it. Never let anyone steal your energy, if that doesn't make sense then how about never be around someone who makes you feel bad after being with them. That feeling of being drained is not good, you will just drain someone else to get the good feeling back. That seems like a vicious circle doesn't it. So just get away from toxic people, without hurting their feelings.
The third is your spouse, significant other, friend, partner, or any relationship. These relationships should never take a toll on priority # 2. Conversation in a calm voice should do the trick, but if the conversation gets loud, then end it. Walk away, its like arguing with a painting on the wall, it won't change its color.
Last priority, is all that stuff you collected, nothing that can be replaced with money, should never trump the other 3 priorities.
Of all the couples that I have observed, they all have children, not all are biological, but it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference.
The main thing is all couples have a sense of calm. I have known them all for over 10 years, and I must admit, only when I achieved that peace in myself did I have a relationship like that.
There are no secrets, there is no cheating, and no jealously, there is enormous amount of respect for each other.
Each person has their own hobbies and friends, which they spend time with. It seems to me that they don't live separate lives, but they have separate interests. By having time doing what they love they are happy and not sacrificing anything that has to do with who they are. Priority 2. Time with friends is not over the top, so don't think that I am saying it's o.k. to do it all the time. No more than once a week seems to do the trick. Most important is the other partner not think it is time away from them. It is a ridiculous premise, and it shows insecurity and jealously. The partner should be happy that your life is not dependant on them, you should always be able to look in the mirror and recognize who is staring back at you.
As your reading you are probably thinking so when are these people a couple!
I also observed that all of these couples belong to a social group of some kind, perhaps a church group, a karate group, yaucht club, car club, whatever. A place to have fun in a social setting. So, when are these people a couple? That brings me to date night, a must for each of these couples, a time away from the kids, maybe just send the kids to the sitter and stay home and watch a movie. Date night doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be. Sounds like these are busy people, the answer to that is, isn't everybody?
Time together is valued by each and everyone of these couples, along with family time. There is no raising of voices, no tears, in front of the kids. Your kids should think you guys are the perfect couple, and that people can get along is a peaceful manner, which makes them peaceful children.
Now that brings me to hurt feelings, even in ideal couples it happens. I have watched and noticed that these couples don't ever, ever hurt each others feelings on purpose or out of anger. There are no personal attacks, or one saying they do more than the other to make the relationship work. Because their relationship does work. I am certain it took time to come to this point, or perhaps they have always been considerate of each other.
Arguments, well, these couples do argue, maybe I can't even use this word, I will correct that by using the word disagree. This is where calm comminication comes, but it doesn't get into any extensive conversation, because these couples know each other and can anticipate each others reactions. So they never provoke each other into ridiculous fits of yelling and personal attacks.
Money, the root of all evil, or is it. It always seems that things work themselves out, When both partner are completely involved in what comes in and out of the house, then both ask each other about purchases or anything above normal expenses. It is always a joint venture, this way when things get tough they work as a team to cut the budjet where it is needed. If only one of the people work outside the home, it doesn't matter to these couples, the partner left at home, doesn't just sit, they do a job too. Teamwork, communication, respect for each other. I am certain that just waking up next to someone you love starts the day on a good note and going to bed the same way is imperative.
I am not saying that if these things are not the way your relationship unfolds, to dump the person. But, I would consider stepping back to see if it can be fixed. These are just observations from these 7 couples that I see all the time. I admire and respect them. There are always kisses, consideration, and when they are together in front of me, they are almost one person. If a person needs a repair or something from the store, they never hesitate to call on the other and they don't ask why, they do it. Because they are a team, in every sense of the word. After watching them connect to each other they too enrich my life. I can draw from all this positive energy and I leave them with a smile on my face. Because these couples treat everybody with love and respect. Good luck to everyone, these are special relationships and I hope for everyone that their life can be filled with this special love.
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